Tools for Helpful Souls by Ilse Sand

Author:Ilse Sand
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781784505998
Publisher: Jessica Kingsley Publishers
Published: 2017-04-06T00:00:00+00:00

Saying something to the person with whom there is a problem

Practising expressing your pain as an ‘I’ to a ‘you’ on the receiving end is always a good idea. Interfacing with the other person in real life is also sometimes a good idea, although it may have unfortunate consequences. We are often quick to brush off somebody’s lament by suggesting that they say it directly to the other person’s face. That may be an appropriate remark if the person who is confiding in us uses the lament as a way to get rid of her own anger and is not truly interested in knowing how she herself can get better at dealing with the situation.

But if the person confiding in us about a third party is sensitive and the person she is complaining about tends to be aggressive in their words or actions, it can seem rather harsh to reject her by telling her that she needs to say it to the person directly. If she had dared to say it at all, she would already have done so and when she instead chooses to say it to someone else it is to get help to find the courage to go through with it or help to find the right words.

Writing a letter or saying it to an imaginary person sitting on an empty chair are ways to practise finding the right words or finding the courage for a direct confrontation if that is at all advisable, which it normally isn’t if, for example, the third party tends to react extremely negatively to anything that might be interpreted as criticism.

Talking directly is also something that a person can do to him or herself and it can be just as efficient. Read more about this in the following section.

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